Even if he does have some kind of anxiety disorder, he needs to recognize that this behavior isnt reasonable in a relationship, and marriage counseling is a great way to work out problems in a relationship. It seems a loving husband would have found a way for his wife to attend her best friends wedding. Case in point: my father is terrified of everyone he loves dying and leaving him alone, to the point where I, as a 32 year old, was expected to text him and let him know when I left work, when I got home from work, if I was going out, if I was changing locations, etc. Last time I was in Vegas (similar situation) I ate at a few off-strip but highly-rated restaurants. Back in the days of Usenet, this was called the lurkers support me in email, which just about sums it up. Him: I ignored it. We stay at mid-level resorts and usually pay about $40 a night. Totally. And lets not forget: its entirely possible for someone to dabble in being a controlling, selfish jerk without really rising to the level of abuse or being an abuser. Co-worker had a wonderful time. My then-husband and I spent three days in Vegas with two other couples, and the most sinful thing we did was see a strip show that our group leader had accidentally bought us all tickets to. If a person has surrounded themselves with a bunch of people that thinks its normal for one spouse to tell the other what they are/arent allowed to do, thats a beyond red flag. Our daughter will be three months Old and she always falls asleep in the car. (Somehow I did survive!). There is no amount of structuring my life that would have kept me from feeling anxious. Either way, hes being unreasonable and interfering with your career, andcounseling to figure out whats at the root of that is stilla good step here. And there is plenty to do besides gamble. It was a hard thing to learn (Look, Mom, its so simple, just literally never leave the house and Ill never be anxious! sounds SO rational in your head when youre facing lots of catastrophic thoughts!) But truly, its a secondary concern here. Im in the same boat as the OP. And dirt cheap which I am guessing is why so many business conferences are set at that location. He thought I should take his moms feelings into consideration and realize that I wasnt just hurting him, but his family as well, and reconsider. The veg option at the two meals at the convention center consisted entirely of iceberg lettuce salad). Im from the midwest haha. Ive been unattached most of my life, and am in a life partnership now. Plan and reminisce together to create shared anticipation beforehand and shared . While that is a choice that some people wouldnt want to make, an annual business trip is very common. And that now his family isdisappointed inme. I'm in the car right now with a 6-week-old on what is usually a 11-hour drive, which we broke up into two days with a night at a hotel midway. Connect with your family and friends, and even try tomake new friends. And if you go to Roppongi or Kabuki-cho and get wasted at a sketchy bar, then yeah, turns out you have greatly increased the odds that someone will steal your wallet. We're glad we did it to see it's totally do-able. The next step absolutely should be counseling, but I dont know that its fair for us to fault the OP for not making it the first step, you know? So anything that could be perceived poorly at their church is not allowed. We have friend who live in a neighborhood of Paris which Fox news publicized as a no go zone because of all those Muslims and Sharia Law and such. I think its not up to any of us to determine what OPs husbands major glitch is. Would he demand she quit? This giant conference centers attached to hotels are a dime a dozen in Vegas, tons of flights from everywhere around the country go to Vegas and there are always deals on those flights, it just honestly makes sense to plan conferences and business trips to Vegas, especially if theyre for very large events. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. When people ask me why, I reply that I dont drink, gamble, or enjoy naked women, so theres little to attract me there aside from some pretty good food, which I can get anywhere. He also accused her of sleeping with her boss constantly. You dont get an opinion on whether youre dumped!! Even with the additional information. update: how can I turn down training requests from my clients? I didnt hear that there were kids. I just love when you have the oh you too? moment with strangers on the internet. Vegas strip is basically just that a massive neon strip mall with lots of people. Especially your point about this not being an issue of sides.. Please select a reason for escalating this post to the WTE moderators: Connect with our community members by starting a discussion. Its tough but definitely not impossible. Id seriously question the value of marriage counseling at this point, unless hes willing to fundamentally change his views of his power over another adult. Which update is that? Can everyone please stop armchair diagnosing? When I was a teen, she wouldnt even let me walk the dog around our boring, gated community if it was dark out. Where I live, they would agree with the husbands position. Iasked ifI could come. I find her a little insane in terms of worrying. For the OP, thats the problem here. When I was there, I went to museums, saw a few shows, visited a shopping centerall during the day (except the shows) and safe. Everyone except family becomes a drunk driving human trafficker after sunset. But honestly? apply jobappnetwork com elior; farmington, ct homes for sale by owner When I talk to my friends nowadays (still in Ohio, btw! Yeah, Im wondering who would even give this sort of advice. The duration of the vacation. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation. However, its crucial that he recognizes his behavior as a problem and is committed to fixing it. I talked to a financial planner about my divorce before I decided to go through with it, and it turns out she and I married the same guy too! If its cultural issues, OP may still benefit from help separating herself emotionally from the baggage her husband is carrying, and learning scripts to counter-act the stuff he has internalized, that is causing friction. They sometimes ask if Im from some sort of obscure cult, or something. Yes, we were taking advantage of the fact that 19/20 year olds can go to the pub in the UK, but we were still hanging out with the professor while we did so. Theyre both really worst-case-scenarios and things that happen *to* the OP. +1 I think this is good advice! $57 foie gras burgers and stuff, just total lunacy. That doesnt strike me as weird at all. And yeah, if one doesnt leave the primary resort where the conference is, almost zero worry of bad experiences/people. But youre his spouse and in a perfect position to help him understand whats going on and try to help fix it! Could be true. There was a recent one with the same problem! Its really easy to say everyone else agrees (and they conveniently do so somewhere that you cant actually see/hear what they said), so anything that smacks of that strikes me as worthy of taking with a shakerfull of salt. I came to say the same thing. Your husband also seems really unduly anxious about Las Vegas. What helped me was to realize that this is something Im prone to do, recognize it when its happening, and mentally tell myself whats real and whats not real. As a woman and someone invested in ending the b- s- that is sexism (some may call me a feminist!) Dont defend yourself and dont attack him. Aw, hell gonna cancel my reservation then! And Id add that theres a difference between (unwarranted) demands rooted in irrational fears, and those rooted in control/trust issues. My knee-jerk reaction was to say, you dont dictate where I go, I was just out for a walk, for Chrissakes. Thats an unreasonable stance. The best parts of Vegas arent actually in town. Hey, if they didnt want me to take 2 Jacuzzi baths a day they shouldnt have put a TV in there! I bet youll have a blast. In fact, couples counseling can be a useful path to helping a partner address individual issues that are affecting the partnership. In addition to bolstering his position in our argument it had the nice (for him) side effect of alienating me from all of my friends who I believed were talking crap about me behind my back. My spouse (temporarily) lives in a different state than me and if I call them and they dont answer my mind immediately assumes that theyve been in a car accident. Ive met plenty of kids who were never allowed to even play Go Fish because playing non-gambling card games could lead to gambling. One of my favorite business trips was a 3-day solo trip to Vegas. I dont think hed bring up that the majority of people he asked thought he was wrong. of my colleagues are and having the convention somewhere like Las Vegas brings in more talent from around the world. Fiance knew this, but he was taking no chances. Nothing magical about Vegas. Who was the genius with the idea to build a tourist trap in a desert? Best of luck on your issues, and I hope you get the resolution youre seeking! Im glad you left that loser. Choosing your career over your marriage is only possible when your husband turns a normal business situation into an ultimatum. My grandmother pays for the trip. But itseems like they want totake things slowly. Except he took a poll of his mom. And AP, as your comment captures, and what Alisons advice does, is to put the LW in a position to find out which one it is. He says its specific to Vegas, but its possible that hed be anxious no matter where OP went. This captures so much of what anxiety sufferers like my wife go through and what spouses like myself have to find a way to work through with their partner. Almost every hotel on the strip has some sort of tourist attractions be it rides, shows, or other types of attractions and you can spend the entire day walking from hotel to hotel to see what they offer and have a great (and relatively cheap!) (As a sidenote: my mom has been able to do with with my dad a few times when her travel schedule gets crazy. He wants me to refuse to go, but I think I could lose my position in the company or be treated differently. Yes. I think its fine for different people to have different types of relationships. Also, if the OP is there for work, chances are shell be in meetings all day and then answering emails in her room at night. You should protect your son! I went just this month with my husband. Just dont! as a 1000 decibel chorus of YES! Sometimes, well even travel to the same city together, but then spit up and hang out with two completely separate groups of friends. Use of this site is subject to our terms of use and privacy policy. I would completely understand if my partner were worried if I needed to go on one of these trips, but if he tried to FORBID me from goingyeah, that wouldnt go well for him. Be ready to beg, borrow, steal to brainwash your partner to start traveling with you. Not from the letter and not from the follow ups. One of my biggest gripes about Vegas is that most of the hotels wont allow food delivery carriers to deliver to your room. Chances are the same thing would have happened in New York or San Francisco or wherever. He may not listen and will keep bringing it up, but its worth a shot (and then repeating)! Ill be safer and better nourished (I am a run of the mill vegetarian, but somehow that was hard to deal with, too. This is not a normal or healthy response from a spouse, and it needs to change. My feeling is that hes coming up with post-facto, emotionally triggering justifications for something that has absolutely no basis in any rational apprehension of reality. There are a lot of factors that go into deciding where to hold tradeshows and conferences, and none of them have to do with facilitating people being unfaithful to their spouses. Im not judging one way or another Im simply suggesting that you look at your relationship through a bigger lens than just this trip. Why do you feel this way?. And the concerns mentioned about What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, sin city, dramatic kidnapping scenarios, etc. His response is not reasonable except in AAMs answer. Exactly this. I tell him that if he was in my shoes, I would be supportive. ), but she saw danger everywhere. If we could afford flying we would have. w/o massage $45, pools, hot tubs, steam, sauna, nibbles. However, as hes not likely to acknowledge his issues without some therapy, couples counseling is probably a sensible place to ask him to start. Which is actually one of the reasons why I think this is not just a control issue. I was going to say this, the touristy areas and especially the casinos are crawling with security and cameras. That said, in order to see them, we either have to travel to see them or they have to travel to see us. Its also fascinating, because it makes me wonder about his friends. I also love Vegas. Might I suggest Hotwire? My grandmother pays for the trip. Yeah. Dont engage with his arguments. It makes me uneasy and I dont want to let her go. Im curious if your husband is perhaps someone who has never really traveled anywhere, and the whole prospect of travel gets his anxiety going? Maybe so, but I know plenty of people who, as JenB says above, have anxiety and dont express it in toxic and gendered ways that were really talking about two problems. Actually those are not the only two choices. Her husband is a lovely person in general, but comes from a family that cares very much about keeping up appearances. Hah. We are often there and then take the metro across town to the apartment where we stay at midnight. My husband has been in counseling and on medication for his mental health. You are not required to live it with someone who makes you miserable and is not willing to work on the problem. That can do a number to your head if you already had basic anxiety about the travel. I think that there can be a tendency in intimate relationships to prioritize keeping the peace, and emphasizing why thats a bad idea here and confirming that giving into the husbands demands and not going on the trip should be off the table is valuable coming from someone who gives advice about workplace stuff. Counseling is a great start. I do think some commenters above have some good thoughts on why this might require individual counseling (in addition to or instead of couples counseling), but it sounds like youre pursuing both, which is great. Ive known many a controlling spouse, but most of them know to keep it in check when it comes to the providers job. On the other hand, the OP could surely use some help in setting some reasonable boundaries and communicating as effectively as possible in the circumstances. In cases with a controlling spouse, marriage counseling is not recommended. There are a lot of people on vacation. Whether hes choosing them consciously or not, hes certainly trying to use them as a weapon to manipulate his wife into doing what he wants. I thought his friends were objecting to his stance and would even let their spouses go. I cordially dislike Vegas. Yes, he needs to settle down, and no, Im not suggesting she sacrifice her career because he is stressed, but it really is BOTH their problem. 6. I think that makes all the difference hereOP doesnt just have a grinding job. Even if it is a general anxiety issue, speaking as someone with plenty of personal experience with that, theres still a relationship issue here. OP, I believe that professional help figuring out what exactly is going on (including ruling in or ruling out a medical cause like primary anxiety or OCD) and getting professional treatment based on that, is the best first step for you here. Yeah man, sure, that uh really sucks? 1. Hed probably drive her nuts the entire trip monitoring when she comes and goes, trying to veto business dinners with her colleagues, calling her if shes a minute later than she said shed beAnd if youre working the conference, its exhausting and theres not really a lot of time to explore. If youre not and this is out of the blue, it really sounds like his anxiety is getting the best of him (especially with the note about kidnapping), and he might need more individual help. Yeah, I sometimes hear about people who really want a job with a lot of work travel, or people who think being a flight attendant would be really glamorous, and Im just like meh. I have no idea. And not his fault, it was mine! The non-work things generally arent my cup of tea and if I want shows/museums/food Ill go to NY, London, Paris, Istanbul. Tell him to get over himself. Honestly, Vegas is what you make it, and its different things for different people. Honestly the greatest threat to LWs safety is probably lung cancer from second-hand smoke in the casinos. I understand everyones points of view completely, just a couple questions and I apologize if theyve already been asked and answered 1) but is it possible that he go too 2) my spouse travels monthly, I hate it. One woman I met recently on a week-long work trip said it was the longest time shed been apart from her husband in 15 years. Sorry, that isnt useful. Of course people can get into trouble in Las Vegas. I think this is my problem with some of the suggestions that OP should bring her husband on the trip. Its a big deal, but its not the end of the world for either of you. I really dont like the taste of alcohol. They are for sure marketing themselves as a place you can party it up (and you certainly can do that) but again, thats not unwholesome in and of itself. (And yes, counseling 100%, do ASAP since whatever the underlying cause is, not likely to just disappear. Yeah, Vegas is like Disneyland now. A therapist will be of substantial benefit to OP in uncovering these typically subconcious assumptions and patterns, and mindfully challenging them and acquiring a different and more equitable relationship with her husband. My husband is a bit more of a homebody than I am, and he very rarely travels for work. Agree counseling would be a good place to start. Meanwhile, Im building a scene in my head where shes been kidnapped and terrible things are happening to her. Honestly, things could happen anywhere, so his questioning that the trip is in Vegas sounds like a cover. Abusers often (successfully!) I can believe that he chooses to associate mostly with people who share his views on sin, evil, and temptation. But yeah, were both supportive of the other taking trips. But it wont be easy. That I was RIGHT! I would bet money he didnt tell everyone else the same story he told me. Both are filled with similar anecdotes and stories. What other people? That option smacks of trying to make OP appease her husband and HIS issues and that is icky. New Message From: MayaSubject: Iwent home after overhearing myhusband and his mom saying they didnt want metobeapart ofthe family vacation.Every year, myhusband goes onafamily vacation. It totally IS. I dont think thats something you really need to dive into OP (since thats not the real issue here), but I thought Id mention it to say that youre not the one thats offbase here. Dont give him information that he will then twist (anxiety twists everything) and dont waste your time or your energy you need that for other things. Later I saw an art exhibit. LOL! At the time, we had 3 kids and they were around 5, 3, and 18 months. And have been wanting to take the Grand Canyon tour. Dont get hit by a car!! This feels partly like a reputation versus reality thing, like New York City a decade or so back, when I kept telling people to stop worrying about crime when they were planning a visit to the safest large city in the country. Maybe he has heightened anxiety. Marriage counselling is categorically not recommended if there is abuse. I mean, marriage counseling could still be useful, but an anxiety screening, too. LWs spouse is overreacting for sure. And they happen to be adjacent to entertainment options that arent strictly relevant to the business conference. And you can get into crazy stuff in any city, really; Vegas has developed a reputation for it to bring in tourism money, but there are parties and bars and even gambling in lots of other large cities in the U.S. This is none of his business and catering to his insecurities is not your responsibility. Of course, were all operating with limited info, and (lets be honest) a natural inclination to cme to the defense of an AAM reader/writer.. Vegas isnt a magical dimension. Some women even LIVE in Las Vegas! Ha, my team at Exjob traveled all the time (consultants) and they said the only thing good about it was the FF miles and points. My bf and I traveled for work constantly. The follow up is what took it from possible anxiety issue on overdrive to controlling husband for me. We took a shorter trip while he we breastfeeding and and still did it the same. Hes not Master of the House. A pregnant woman recently asked the internet for advice after her husband refused to attend any of their doctor appointments. Right. (That started as a joke but I think I might actually be onto something, re: familiar vs unfamiliar crimes and the perceived danger of each.). If he balks or outright refuses, then that might be a signal that theyre in abusive territory and LW should consider solo counseling to decide how best to handle it. My husband wants to bring his mother on our European vacation. The idea of where we are in danger is terribly skewed in the US. It doesnt take the anxiety away, but it seemed to dull some of the crazier bits. my brain had done, we laughed), but absolutely had that reaction. Husband Doesn't Want to Come with the Family on Vacation. Security at casinos is greater than that at Fort Knox. For sure gamboling DOES occur in Vegas, same as gambling :). I think that it is much more scary to be hurt by someone you know, so people are more likely to believe in the bogeyman dark alley scenario. If this resonates with you, OP, about your husbands behavior, something important to know is that there is no appeasing this line of thinking. You shouldnt be in a position to chose your career (which has very normal career expectations) and your marriage (which seems to have some very not normal expectations). I was also married to this man. Las Vegas is not my favorite place ever because I dont love big crowds or gambling, but its just a city. seem much more based on portrayals in television/movies rather than reality. This isnt about whether or not the thing Im about to do is dangerousit is about her desire to control what I do. Yes. And it also sounds like this is unusual in their area, so its not a situation that he sees tons of people going through unruffled. Not like us isnt automatically the same thing as toxic.. Ioverheard mymother-in-law say, Did she really have nowhere else togo. I mean, the worst thing that happened to me in Vegas was that I came back 10 pounds heavier from all the buffets. Well there it is. You are agood person for trying tobond with your husbands family. I came here to recommend asking Captain Awkward as well! I admit I am one of the omg WHAT commenters. My colleagues travel all over the world, sometimes to places in great upheaval where they have to have military escorts. The best way to stay up-to-date would be to regularly check the Official Disney Parks Blog . As a long-time resident of NYC, people who dont live here assume I spend my days constantly in fear of muggings and/or terror attacks, pepper spray at the ready. <3. I never said anything about kiddnaping I had 3 seperate friends get sexually assaulted there. My husband is just glad he doesnt have to go with me, because more than a couple of days in Las Vegas is like being stuck inside a kaleidoscope. Yes, this. And hes trying to sabotage your livelihood with his nonsense? I find this so interesting. There is so much good food in Vegas, I love it there. He could show he loves you by treating you as an equal and making you know that your feelings, thoughts, and opinions matter. Probably he is a reasonable person, perhaps he has an anxiety problem. Or the wife, for that matter. We specifically took any kind of obey language out of our vows. If the city is a well known destination to indulge in vices ( sex outside of a relationship for pay, drinking, drugs, gambling) than its fair to say that its not the most wholesome location. are there other situations that cause your husband this level of anxiety? Yes, they pay for his airfare and, if necessary, the difference in the hotel room rate and they dont spend that much time together, but they spend *some* time together and are at least getting to see each other for some part of the day.). She wrote: His main objection is the fact that the trip is located in Las Vegas. Its partially a trust issue, and partly the horrible stories some people tell themselves. While it has its own series of potential problems, leaving him in a hotel room in Vegas all day while shes in conferences might bore him into realizing the reality of the place. Ifthings are still strained, wewould recommend setting upanappointment with amediator ortherapist who specializes incouples therapy. Yeah, there were some shady businesses. And I recognize that this is 100% My Problem and I need to adapt my behaviour to deal with it. Get yourself some counseling, with or without your husband (and explore whether or not this is the type of relationship that is healthy for you to continue to be in). I think its one of the things that makes our relationship so strong. Ive looked at the posts from the OP (Working Wife), and in the first place, she hadnt posted when I posted this. Just recently I have found out I will be sent out again. Counseling is the best and most realistic option for helping him get into a healthy head space. Ive also recently spent a weekend away with a close friend at a lake for a swimming event, and numerous overnight trips to see my family or friends in other parts of the country. Whether anxiety is a contributing factor or not, thats all it is. He doesnt have to be consciously choosing thesetheyre already out there. *Now having said all that, I 100% agree that the husband is over-reacting*. Some couples like a lot of separate space between them, others dont. Its just easier to non-committally agree with someone, especially when their view is bananas, than to get into a row with them and get involved in their marital issues. Go on the trip, do not jeopardize that job, youll need it when you come to your senses and get rid of this guy. But leave out the reasons, the excuses, the justifications and the emotions, as far as you can. And shell never be the breadwinner, but again, thats what she signed up for from the get-to. I love my husband to bits, hes a good man, but I would never ever ever want to be in a position where I was financially dependent on him. This makes me so mad on behalf of the OP! Im glad you have found enough awareness around this issue to help you handle it. walk. This is a man who is trying to actively sabotage her career. AP, this is just a wonderful post. Having just returned from an exhausting but informative 3-day event in Las Vegas let me assure you when youre at the conference center/hotels there is security up the wahzoo and those folks are awesome. I was /thisclose/ to emigrating to another continent at one point, tbh. My husband and I travel a lot for work- including to Vegas! I think thats reasonable. But he is controlling. I think she was happier than I was when I got married because, in her words Mr. Whereas in reality, I just hope that this will be the time when Im on the subway at 1am and it wont be too crowded to get a seat. Some of the really big conventions and annual conferences only have a few places to choose from. We stayed at the Excalibur (the kids LOVED staying in a castle, saw the jousting show, the MGM Lions, the aquarium at Mandalay Bay, and we also took them to play games at Circus Circus. I wonder if one solution wouldnt just be to bring her husband WITH her (on her own expense and probably paying for their own room)? For example, Fiance didnt want me to take night classes for my certification because the parking lot had a lot of trees and shrubs where predators could hideand there were a lot of guys taking these classes. In THAT case, that is a super not-normal response, and its very strange that theres a whole group of people who support this thinking. But my wife really worded it in a way to get the Im a crazy jealous husband. Theres no life insurance policy in the world that would substitute for my husbands continued presence in my life and on this planet.
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